As the title of the entry suggest, yes, I'm talking about depression and suicide. An ex colleague of mine (Let's call her L) just plunged to her death last Wednesday. It was very shocking news indeed. My first reaction - L was braver than me. This was also why I've decided to blog about my own experience. By doing so, I'm NOT showing off that I'm the one who overcame depression OR trying to bring out the "See! I'm better than you because I've survived depression" message. Please, once you're diagnosed as suffering from depression, you'll always be having your medical records against you, what's there to show off or be proud off?
Friends might ask - So why are you doing this? Why would you want to wash your dirty linen in public? I'm prepared for readers to label me as a loser and call me nastier names, maybe some would even tell me that I don't deserve to be a mum due to my mistake. But if my entry can help anyone wtih depression or someone who is on the verge of having depression, or if your friends are suffering from depression, then any negative comments won't get me down. To all those readers who are condemning me just by reading these paragraphs or just because I've committed suicide:
So let's begin this entry! I've committed suicide 2 years ago due to a relationship problem. Yes, go ahead and roll your eyes. That's what I did. How did I kill myself? I've taken 10 tabs of panadol in one night. Why did I do it? I felt hopeless, I felt that if I couldn't get this guy, I'll be better off dead. I've felt that this guy is really worth my everything, even my own life. Just in case readers are wondering what's so darn good about this guy. He is someone who is a drug abuser and a gambler. Yes, I bet I'm getting more stares and "WTF", but let me carry on.
This is the opinion of a normal thinker. What's a normal thinker you might ask? Simply put its you! But a depressed patient wouldn't be thinking this way. Once you're depressed you can't feel happiness, you're always blue, crying, low energy levels and you can't think straight. A depressed patient is always scared of losing that someone or something, hence they tend to be clingy. Don't get me wrong when I say clingy. There are clingy girls out there, and they might go "But I'm not suffering from depression" That's true, but I'm not referring to those girls. I'm talking about people who can't feel happiness, feeling down (like more than 80% of the day) and people who have these feelings accumulated.
I've studied psychology and of course the REAL definition of depression according to DSMIV isn't just merely what I typed, but it aids in looking for the onset of depression. These are just tell-tale signs. A depressed patient wouldn't like to open up, they keep to themselves. So if you have a friend who has been keeping quiet, giving a one-word answer or can't even hold a conversation as she just wants time alone, thats a warning for you. Do bear in mind that there's a difference in someone who wants a time-off for awhile and someone who ALWAYS wants time-off.
Of course, the temper of a depressed patient - Angsty, harsh, cruel and unforgivable. But please, do be patient with them, they are going through a rough patch. I know loads of people might go "Out of goodwill, I'm helping my friend, but this is the shit I get." Then let me tell you, REAL friends stay behind, they get mad for being treated unfairly, they try to understand that this takes time and yet even when this isn't easy, they still stay. Yes, they don't leave you behind. I had a friend of mine who stayed with me for 3 whole months, looking at my unforgivable temper to my parents and yes, she still stay. Jiali, that's her! <3
And yes, that's 2 years ago. I'm now married, having a daughter, waiting for news on our house and just preparing for motherhood. I'm also worried that I might have post-natal depression. I mean, lets face it - With my depression history, if I ever have post natal depression, I wouldn't be surprised. But I've been trying to tell myself not to fall into depressed mode. The reason being - my daughter needs me now than before, I can't just give birth, be depressed and leave her behind. So yes, in a way, Leia is helping me. I'm scared of myself for going back to depression. Very afraid in fact. But I know that one thing's for sure - by admitting this, I'm not afraid to tell my hus if I ever find that I'm going back to depressed mood. And this would help me if I ever find myself walking the bleak path.
I urge all readers not to shake depression away! What with the passing on of L, there might be others who are feeling the same depressed way, so please, its literally a matter of life and death. Help your friends who just got out of a bad relationship, you don't need to drag them out just to have fun, BEING THERE for them means the world to them! Also, always always assure your friends that they are NOT being a burden. There was a time when I told my friends that its not nice if I keep ranting on and on about how I feel, it would just bore them. They told me its okay and they wouldn't take no for an answer. If you are a real friend, just listen. I've listened to some of my girlfriend's ranting for days, but I know they just want to let the steam out, so do the same.
This is the after-depression me now and yes, I'm grateful for friends who really stayed for me:
Ciao!
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