Last year's caroling

Last year Christmas, we attended my sister's caroling session at St. Theresa's. That's where my paternal grandparents were cremated side by side. They are finally together now. Gong gong waited too long. While Leia was fussing because she didn't want to be stuck in a chapel, I took Cw to see them for the very first time. He don't know them cause ma ma died in 2011, gong gong was gone in 1988.

It was very depressing to walk around the burial grounds, we understand that as aging catches up, yes, we will die. I get that. But it's always passing by the tombstones of a baby at 2 months old or even at Leia's age that it gets to me now. Don't get me wrong, I did question the one above why he must take them at such a tender age when I was single. But now that I'm a mum, deaths nowadays = imagining my child dying. That scares me. I know some might call me crazy, let's just say I let my imagination run wild at times.

An almost full body picture:

4 generations of love, I'll say

And another close up shot:

I'm sure some might have know that my granny has to undergo chemo. She had two tumour in her intestines which was removed and when she was discharged, everything sort of went back to normality. Until, news was brought to us that the oncologist is recommending chemo. :(

It really broke my heart to hear this. I cried a couple of times cause she was the closest I ever had. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I don't have parents, I do, but they are always working so hard to put food at the table till granny took the mum's role. It's true, I appreciate all that mum and all that she has done, else I won't have a comfortable life. But the time wasn't there and I yearned for it. Granny (I call her Popo because she is Cantonese and she was the one who spoke to me in Cantonese - going to Hong Kong? Easy peasy!) made my life easier and among all her 6 grand children, she loved me the most. Visited me in hospitals when I fell sick, gave me lots of food during pregnancy and now that Leia is born, she is somewhat applying the same love to her, but a grandchild and a great grandchild is still different I guess. 

Honestly, deep down, I know she will get through this. I've been telling Cw that I'm refusing to believe that once chemo starts, it's gonna break her - all that hair loss, the nauseating, the strength sapping away from your soul? I refuse to think that it'll bring her down.

And it's sincere - but if I can exchange some of my lifespan, just bloody do it. Popo deserves it more than me. Really. All I ask as a condition is let me live till Leia is 21. At least let me see her through adulthood. I'm going to visit my granny tomorrow with Leia. Hope it will cheer granny a little. :)

疼惜你, 婆婆